before i have to move from Jakarta

everyone is looking for the best and try to be the best. but without love, all that was just sheer ambition.
* jee-jessh

07 February 2010


today I have it all. all the answers to the puzzle that I could never solve. explanation that I've been waiting for. explanation that pierced my body out. I seemed dead and lifeless again. but I realized that this was his way. when he says he loves me but will never be with me. and thank me because I've loved him too deeply. because I was wasted a few years to wait for something that is abstract. nothing. not reached. I just dreamed a thousand days without getting the slightest chance to feel the beauty of the dream. I'm a dreamer. dreamers who want to be pitied.
but I realized that I was waiting. and now I have clarity. fair enough. he would let me fully. and allow me to find, and move to another heart that allows me to find happiness. I just feel stupid. has made everyone mad at me just because I was too late in the sense that I do not understand.
I like fainting. I like an idiot. I allowed myself was marred by the situation. I let myself be controlled by the love that was not love. I banged by a rock fall that I put. I like crazy. laughed at the tears. happy in the suffering. funny. I felt my life funny. in fact, my life has not even direction. in vain I'm smart, if I do not have a brain. I wasted good if in fact I'm stupid. I'm a fake. all the people amazed me when I was so stupid. I'm weird!

Today I send voice notes to my brother. I apologize for making him angry yesterday. make him yelling in my ear as if I was deaf. made my bones ache. makes me sick. when he says "whatever" and "you can be considered no longer have pride by him". that instant I was crying. exactly the same when I finally recording my voice. I felt a great pain. and I hope to get a reply. but he did not give an answer. I just wanted to know whether he forgave me or not.

hate me ko, if it will make you glad. I do not deserve your loved, because I'm too stubborn. I always can not accept that I was not expected. You always said I was worth, but even myself did not admit it. I was wrong ko, I know. sorry for that. I can only pray. maybe tomorrow, after tomorrow, next week, or as soon as I can hear the answer. response of apologies that have been made you may feel remorse because you know me and make me a part of your life. I accept it all. sincere. thank you for everything. :)

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