before i have to move from Jakarta

everyone is looking for the best and try to be the best. but without love, all that was just sheer ambition.
* jee-jessh

23 February 2010

crazy baby! :)

things were called stupid this morning ! :))

*since yesterday, all my classmates said i was crazy !
then they said "lo salah minum obat ya enjess??? :D

*i've had new behaviour means WEIRD habit
you will never guess this kinda behave, but you getta surely know if we meet! :)

*my lips and nose bleed again :(
bad bad bad! super bad!

*i flattered by clarissa's own words!
she said "kau cantik hari ini :)"

and ..

i can't imagine if my teacher knows that ;


i'll tag it to Lorriane Leo ~

22 February 2010

what comes around - goes around ;

so it's good to be grateful for all the things that we have

super extreme things!

beginning of the story;
Saturday night when I went with my friends for dinner together, we both ride motorcycles and certainly not me who drove his bike. so I play only as a passenger. days not too late but it was dark because of clouds. when we were on the way to my house, my friend riding very slowly. but from the direction of our left, there is a motor that headed towards us at high speed. we almost get hit hard, but we were lucky because we survived.

I was really weak at that time, my heart seemed to stop a split second. but I'm still grateful that I survived.

then the next day. when I'm on my way to Citos with my cousins, I went through that again. but the difference this time I was in the car. hot day, and the streets well. again, in the middle of the street, suddenly there was a car to veer toward the main road, with high speed and took half the road to turn, a result almost get hit by a car. only a few millimeters longer and we might be dead. as fast and furious, my cousin swerved to the right quickly. We were saved again:)

and what can I share from this post is how God truly loved me and you. even in any condition, he always keep and protect us.

God bless you always:)
5 days ago is my last post :(

sick of exams! really really sick! and surely going carzy with all things called exams, lessons and tests! when i remember i spent last few days with exams, i mean difficult exams, which make me remorse that the fact was i wasted my time to study and still couldn't did them well. poor you hey questioner, means hate you! :(

but actually i was happy in my last weekend, when saturday night came and i went out with my friends, was in crazy little times with them, then went to the church and met my big DADDY :)
when i sang in the church and had some practicing with my choir. i loved them much. i loved our time. yeaa much better then when i had to do my stupid exams at school.

and i wanna share super extremes thing which happened in my life yesterday. i'll explain you on the next post :D

17 February 2010


hey reality

now, it's time to get back to work! STUDY STUDY STUDY until CRAZY!

come on JESSICA, you can do it! yes, you CAN!

i read book which i forgot what its title, but it filled how to make your life seems better, and the answer is [with no doubt] GIVING YOUR OWN SPIRIT!
*yeaa, i try to give that one :)

c'ya ~
check this out!

I'm sure i cried while was watching this movie. AWESOME!

things around me right now

pencil 2B

soft-high quality rubber

answer sheet with
computerize system

tidy stuffs

formulas and practice questions *freak!

my labtop that always accompany me

need freedom soon ! x(

i'm almost crazy with exams; check this out!

daydreaming all the time

laughing alone

weird style


I found I had the same doll that josh has
if there's someone that i'm dreaming for,
absolutely it is HIM, my Lord..
He, the One who has my whole life,
cause my life, my time, and all i have is HIM ;
not mine..
i was almost falling asleep

and it's about 2 a.m

so, getta sleep very soon or tomorrow i'll have panda's eyes

and it's so bad


good nite everyone


no love

dear jessica..

I do not know how to express to you how deeply these feelings. I'm too long in silence looking at you from a distance without a single word that can I say. I feel like holding your hand and walk beside you saying I love you. I'm no longer praise but I adore you. you look so amazing even for ordinary wear and flip-flops. knows how long I was wasting time. just to see you again with other people. Another man who eventually became lovers. but now I dare to express even though not directly. at least you know that this feeling is with you. I want to have you. a request, answer me.


I was surprised to read this letter. letter just lying in front of the fence. but hey reza thanks whoever you are. I just want to be alone right now. but we can become good friends. welcome to the world of friendship. :)
i'm going to forget you and all sweet things we've ever done together ;



miss you

for all people either family or friends or relatives where far from me

ain't no other word instead
i miss you

16 February 2010

my mp3

there's someone protested about this blog's song. yeaa i've changed it from "you are the music in me-ost hsm2" to "i'm yours-jason mraz". why why why, he asked me. actually there's no specific reason. i just wanna change it cause i wanna hear some jazzy rhythm when i'm viewing my blog :)
then yeaaa, okay i'll try to be honest that there's another reason of this changes. cause there's someone loves this song so much. and hope i could play this song with my piano for him. haha. just guess who is he?

against boredom

there's nothing i have to do right now. even i know there're so many works mean homeworks which i have to finish, but i'm so boring. and on that high of bored, my sister took some candid pictures of mine. well, not good, but still could made me laughed :D

when i looked my old phone and waited for a message. lol

forgot this one. what did i do? hmm.

when i prayed as ussual

when i laughed

chemistry oh chemistry


don't know why but i'm sure i'm done with this one. STUDY! crazy little things which i've ever done are drank a cup of coffee three times on one day and was doing some kinds of useless work like read books, did so many exercises and prayed everyday. hey come on for you all who made that stupid questions, even just for one question, i was not sure with my answer! :(
i feel so "nggak banget" dehh yaa. ini uda try out yang ke sekian kalinya and we've done it for many times. tapi kok i could never say "wahh tryout nya gampang yaa", yang ada as always "hopeless". kalo dibilang nggak belajar, it's so unfair for students. moreover me, which have learned well. but come back to the reality was i couldn't even did it! many books i've bought in order to make some better ways to face my UN, but see now, they didn't worked at all. at ALL !

soal-soal UN dari tahun-tahun lalu dan prediksi UN tahun ini

soal-soal pembahasan yang dikasih sama agatha

buku yang katanya up to date dan manjur banget


better live in enjoyment than focus on these kinda stuffs. means useless stuffs.

15 February 2010


time to sleep :)

*hey heyy, you know what i think i am such a pretty buffalo ever. cause after slept for long time, now i feel so sleepy again. haha. see you on next post :)
seseorang yang menyimpan perasaan terlalu dalam, terlalu dalam, terlalu kuat, dan terlalu tidak mau mengungkapkannya, akan habis tertelan segala ego-nya..


when jee-jessh smiles :)

many people say, it's time for jee-jessh rise from sorrow. because when jee-jessh smile, they also will share a smile :)
thanks everyone! hughugkiss*


I've hypnotized hard world. tormented by the reality. makes me feel I was the most despicable. lowest. I'm rubbish!
but when I looked far ahead. there is light there. even when I saw a large circle of enchanting, I was in it :)
with people who see me valuable. they amazed me. then I realized that I was lucky. and my life is not mine. but the whole of HIM.
" i miss you badly ! "

that's all! :)

KISS ME - Avril Lavigne

Kiss Me out of the bearded barley,
Nightly, beside the green green grass.
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step,
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight,
Lead me out on the moonlit floor.
Lift your open hand,
Strike up the band and make the fire flies dance,
Silver moon's sparkling, so kiss me.

Kiss me down by the broken tree house,
Swing me upon it's hanging tire.
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat,
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map.
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight,
Lead me out on the moonlit floor.
Lift your open hand,
Strike up the band and make the fire flies dance,
Silver moon's sparkling, so kiss me.
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight,
Lead me out on the moonlit floor.
Lift your open hand,
Strike up the band and make the fire flies dance,
Silver moon's sparkling, so kiss me.
Now kiss me
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la

sinchia vs valentine's day

chinese new year and days of love as valentine's day that is filled with hope. day which was really waiting until I dream every night. dream will come a lot of good fortune and love. haha. I do not get much chocolate as usual. although still get a pretty white rose:)
but I liked this year. years can I call a learning year. years where I would find myself identity. who I am and what I live.
and all my life, only this time I'm really proud to say that I'M HAPPY
what is it called?

is it LOVE?


no, they're not..

it's CURSE !
as always.

reminds me of you ..

14 February 2010

one big day was called HAPPINESS :)



jee-jessh loph jo-josh

love you ko" and cece :)

sii lucuu ! x)

H-1 dari sinchia!

gilagilagila! ini bener-bener gilaa! semua kegilaan ini berawal dari paper yang mesti dikerjain dan berhungan dengan social life. means gue mesti cari orang, interview, dan finally bikin laporan. hahah. as always, pastinya i wanna be different from others, jadi gue punya idola gue sendiri. dan gue jelas 100% uda ketebak memilih JOSE GUNAWAN as my IDOL! yuhuuu~
dari awal emang uda kebayang sih bakalan seru banget observ si jojosh, tapi semuanya itu tdinya cuma bayangan ajaah biar bisa bikin gue semangat menghadapi hari esok, esoknya lagi sampe akhirnya nyampe di hari ini. HARI H! :D

kemaren gue uda heboh telpon si ko onad dan nanyain alamatnya gitu. akhirnya dengan perjanjian gue ga bakalan kesana naik om O ato om A, baru deh si ko" mau kasi tau alamatnya. haha. *peace ko, peacee...*
dan gara-gara itu juga, berarti gue harus ikut daddy sekalian mau pergi yang katanya mau pergi entah kemana padahal mau nge-date sama mami, means gue mesti brangkat dari rumah jem stenga 8 pagi setelah pagi nya akhirnya dibangunin dlu. haha.

jem stenga 8 jalan dari rumah trus sempet di telponin cece, katanya ditungguin sarapan. dan rasanya pengen bilang "ya ampun ceceeeee, tau aja ya aku lagi laper beratt.." haha. tapi yang kluar malah "aduuuu cecee, ga usaaa...". abisnya gue paling males deh ngerepotin orang gitu. mana tau si ko" ama cece uda laper tar mesti nungguin gue dulu kan jd enak. loh?? ahahaha :DD

thanks GOD perjalanannya cepet banget gara-gara adanya fly over baru di ring road. assoy. nyari alamat juga ga ribet gara-gara total buah, bengkel berkat, sama penguin-penguin keliatan dari jauh. nyampe deh di rumah cece. trus uda ga enak lagi nih si cece uda nungguin di depan rumah sama si jojosh lucu. hihih.

si jojosh malu-malu gitu sama gue. ga bisa diem. jalan sana jalan sini. tapi lucu sih waktu dia joget-joget nontonin dvd pustaka apa lah gitu namanya anak-anak nyanyi-nyanyi. hihi. trus gue kasi dia rubiks. di pegangin mulu deh tu rubiks. sempet diketok-ketok juga tuh rubiks disangkain drum. haha. josejosejose! i love you full deh :-*

trus sarapan rendang sama soto. honestly itu emang laper berat banget sih. tapi gue jadi "malu-malu najis" [niru istilah kaceng :D] gitu. secara ya, aduh entar jadi ga enak kan kalo terlihat bernapsu makannya. slowly but sure, semuanya ludes di makan. perut kenyang hati senang jadi girang. wuhuuuu ~
abis itu si ko" pergii gitu ke rumah maminya, dan gue ngeliatin si jojosh mandi. lucu banget sih ya itu anak. anteng banget. nggak rewel. jd pengen hug kalo ngebayangin. hmm.

jojosh kelar mandi means cece mau mandi. jadi gue sama jojosh beduaan nonton dvd dog movie di kamar cece. asli sepanjang nonton, jojosh itu diem ga bergerak. paling sesekali aja dia tiduran trus bangun lagi. tapi diemmm aja gitu. sampe cece kelar mandi, akhirnya cece jadi fotografer deh. foto kanan foto kiri. assoy!

nah nah yang lucu banget-banget nya nih yaah. si jojosh pas lagi nonton sempet tengkurep gitu. si cece cuma bilang doang nih.. "Josee, sit down! come on sit down!", si jojosh nggak pake nengok tuh padahal tapi dia nurut. dia beneran sit down. gilagila. pinter banget sih itu anak. truss cece bilang, bentar lagi si jojosh juga nempel sama gue. ehh beneran loh, pas lagi tengah-tengah nonton, dia bediri ke pintu, trus muter-muter ga jelas, ngambil buku ceritanya trus duduk manis di sebelah gue. nahh nggak lama kemudian dia nyender ke gue gitu masih sambil nonton dvd. si cece langsung senyam-senyum terus fotoin kita deh sambil ngomong berkali-kali "duhh mesranya..." astaga deh si cece! haha :D

dan itu berlangsung lama lohh. seneng banget deh. berulang kali pula dia kaya gitu. trus dia duduk biasa, buka buku ceritanya trus ngoceh-ngoceh ga jelas gitu sambil nunjuk-nunjuk gambar di buku ceritanya. pas gue tanya cece,ternyata katanya dia lagi ceritain gue. oke deh jojosh! kamu ceritain aku pake bahasa planet tapi kamu tetep lucuuuuu! hihihi.
salah satu kepinterannya lagi nih yaa. cece bilang "Jose, where is your banano? give it to auntie jessii.." si jojosh langsung bediri, ngambil boneka banana nya, ngasi ke gue sambil ketawa trus duduk di depan gue dan nyender! ya ampun joseeeee. dan jojosh itu perasa banget juga. pas dia nonton dog nya lagi nangis alone sambil nyanyi gitu, dia nangis. pas dia liat bapak-bapak tua jahat di film itu, dia nangis juga. lebih lucunya lagi, nangisnya cuma sekedar mewek aja soalnya ga ada air matanya. hehe. trus kalo ada adegan yang ngagetin, dia pasti ngelus dada kya orang shocked gitu. ihwaw! once again LOVE YOU FULL JOSEE:-*

trus nggak lama si ko" pulang gitu kan main-main sama si jose. seru banget ngeliat dia ketawa. trus dia main drum juga. lari kanan lari kiri tapi still cute. gila deh gilaaaa. ampun deh itu anak lucu nyaaaa :))
trus gue curhat-curhatan sama cece sama ko". asik banget. so in love with our togetherness :D

uda jem 11an juga, jadi kita turun ke bawah mau nonton dvd yang gue bikin sendiri. akhirnya nonton dan gue udah malu stengah mampuss. masih main juga sama si jojosh. makan coklat, makan cornflakes, dan apapun makanannya minumannya teh botol sosro. wakaka. ngobrol-ngobrol juga sama si mbak siti soleha yang bocorin ke gue katanya gue sering diomongin sama ko" sama cece juga. *nah yaa ko" sama cece KETAUAN ya.. ehemehem!*

cece sama ko" nggak lama ganti baju siap-siap soalnya kita mau cabut makan siang dan langsung ke TA nontonin jenny yang perform nyanyi mandarin gitu. cece sama ko" ngasii kue gitu buat mommy, gue dapet angpao juga cihiy.. oiya pas mau pergi, jojosh nangis gitu. hikshiks. aku juga sedih kok josh, masi pengen main sama kamu juga. nginep-nginep deh kalo perlu biar main sama kamu teruss :(
CD presentasi gue diambil tapi ikhlas kok ngasihnya. haha. di mobil si ko" ama cece ribut-ribut mau makan dimana sampe ko" sempet brenti di pinggir jalan demi mikir doang mau makan di mana. stengah perjalanan, masih ON gue cerita-cerita, abis itu penyakit KEBO gue kambuh deh dan akhirnya ketiduran. hhihi. nyampe-nyampe dibangunin ternyata makan di pondok psanggrahan.

makan siang yang menyenangkan juga, trus langsung tacuu ke TA. nyampe di TA kita nontonin performer yang lainnya dulu soalnya si jenni juga belom dateng. seruseru. trus jenny dateng, nggak lama kemudian dia perform. mana itu sound man rese banget. dari awal acara kok lagunya ga pernah bener. ckck.
trus trus gue, cece, ko" beli froyo di tutti fruity. si ko" sama cece pake tester dlu gitu. trus gue disuru cobain tester nya bubble gum yang dari jaman dahulu kala gue ga pernah bisa bilang itu enak. uek. akhirnya sih makan TF juga, setelah sblomnya si ko" menggila banget, jelas-jelas kita uda di dalem ehh masih nanya "jadi kamu mau makan froyo disini nih?" akaka. kan malu juga kali kalo ga jadi ko.. astagaa si ko". *ngakak*

abis dari situ langsung ke paper clip nyamperin daddy mommy grandpa grandma jenny yang uda mau pulang juga. sempet foto-foto dulu gitu. asik banget deh. kalo lagi bareng cece sama ko" itu rasanya seneng terus. lengkap deh kalo ada jojosh nya juga. :)
pas uda mau pulang, means kita mau misah. rasanya gue pengen banget ikut cece balik lagi ke palem. ga pengen pulang. masih pengen main. masih pengen seneng-seneng. secara kalo pulang ke rumah gue yang diliat pasti paper-paper numpuk, soal try out sama pra ujian. mau gila :(

trus ngebayangin juga ntar gue ke bandung, makin jarang ketemu cece-ko"-josh, makin jarang pergi makan dimsum ato seafood bareng, makin jarang ketemu dan makin jarang bisa cerita-cerita kecuali lewat BBM ato YM =(

tapi ya udah gapapa deh, masih punya 2 bulan stelah ujian buat seneng-seneng bareng. hihi. pengen banget mengulang hari ini. love you love you LOVE YOU SO MUCH cece, ko" and JOSEEEEEE!!

hughugkiss :-*

xiexiemuah ! :))

07 February 2010


today I have it all. all the answers to the puzzle that I could never solve. explanation that I've been waiting for. explanation that pierced my body out. I seemed dead and lifeless again. but I realized that this was his way. when he says he loves me but will never be with me. and thank me because I've loved him too deeply. because I was wasted a few years to wait for something that is abstract. nothing. not reached. I just dreamed a thousand days without getting the slightest chance to feel the beauty of the dream. I'm a dreamer. dreamers who want to be pitied.
but I realized that I was waiting. and now I have clarity. fair enough. he would let me fully. and allow me to find, and move to another heart that allows me to find happiness. I just feel stupid. has made everyone mad at me just because I was too late in the sense that I do not understand.
I like fainting. I like an idiot. I allowed myself was marred by the situation. I let myself be controlled by the love that was not love. I banged by a rock fall that I put. I like crazy. laughed at the tears. happy in the suffering. funny. I felt my life funny. in fact, my life has not even direction. in vain I'm smart, if I do not have a brain. I wasted good if in fact I'm stupid. I'm a fake. all the people amazed me when I was so stupid. I'm weird!

Today I send voice notes to my brother. I apologize for making him angry yesterday. make him yelling in my ear as if I was deaf. made my bones ache. makes me sick. when he says "whatever" and "you can be considered no longer have pride by him". that instant I was crying. exactly the same when I finally recording my voice. I felt a great pain. and I hope to get a reply. but he did not give an answer. I just wanted to know whether he forgave me or not.

hate me ko, if it will make you glad. I do not deserve your loved, because I'm too stubborn. I always can not accept that I was not expected. You always said I was worth, but even myself did not admit it. I was wrong ko, I know. sorry for that. I can only pray. maybe tomorrow, after tomorrow, next week, or as soon as I can hear the answer. response of apologies that have been made you may feel remorse because you know me and make me a part of your life. I accept it all. sincere. thank you for everything. :)

girls' mostly MIND

adapted from Stephani Nova Gandawijaya's notes

When i dont call you
♥ It’s because im waiting for you to call me

When i walk away from you mad
♥ Follow me

When i stare at your mouth
♥ Kiss me

When i push you or hit you
♥ Grab me and dont let go

When i start cussing at you
♥ Kiss me and tell me you love me

When im quiet
♥ Ask me whats wrong/Or mess with me

When i ignore you
♥ Give me your attention

When i pull away
♥ Pull me back

When you see me at my worst
♥ Tell me I’m beautiful

When you see me start crying
♥ Hold me and tell me everything will be alright

When you see me walking
♥ Sneak up and hug my waist from behind

When im scared
♥ Protect me

When i lay my head on your shoulder
♥ Tilt my head up and kiss me

When i tease you
♥ Tease me back and make me laugh

When i dont answer for a long time
♥ Reassure me that everything is okay

When i look at you with doubt
♥ Back yourself up

When i say that i like you
♥ I really do more than you could understand

When i grab at your hands
♥ Hold mine and play with my fingers

When i bump into you
♥ Bump into me back and make me laugh

When i tell you a secret
♥ Keep it safe and untold

When i look at you in your eyes
♥ Don’t look away until i do

When i miss you
♥ I’m hurting inside

When you break my heart
♥ The pain never really goes away

When i say its over
♥ I still want you to be mine

06 February 2010

heyya i got it AGAIN :D

I suddenly got a letter. pink color. I already can guess what it is only in a single view. because I'd received for the third time. as expected, the contents statements love. sometimes I think, "expressed his feelings through letters of love?" .. haha. ancient. but memorable. I'm confused how to respond. I know the sender of the letter. but did not intend to answer. because I'm sure he knows what the answer Shuhite. I'm sure he had understood what I express. I do not want to have a partner for now. I'd better gather a lot of friends. because I do not want a boyfriend. I was not able to say goodbye again if I later broke up. perhaps more accurately, I do not want to drop out of love. for that, I'm not going to start a relationship that is not accompanied by the approach. hihi. high starting language. but hey thanks for sending the letter, I appreciate your honesty. one day you will meet with a better one than I am. because I was not the best fit for you, you can get better. thank you for the attention that you pour in the letter. I was flattered to read it. really thank you. and sorry for not having it. I do not want your heart broken in the future if I continue to expect. thank you also for the white roses. I like it.


my super inspiration :)


only he who can make me forget all the things that are not pleasant. he makes me not feel bored again just by looking at the photos. see the funny acting style even if only in photographs. a funny look on his face. hear his voice laughing when playing small drums. make me can imagine how cute he was when he sat quietly watching television that shows a dog movie. imagine him as he sulked. I never tired of listening to her mother telling daily at home. never tired of seeing the video while he slept. jose even make me stop crying just to see the video that was dancing with excitement. jose makes me feel lucky to know him. makes me even more to love little kids. made me see how much I wanted to be a child again. hahaha. I miss my childhood days. when I had to learn to walk. learn to recognize both my parents. learn to understand the words. :)

thanks jose, I'm glad to know who you are:)
I want to be loved like everybody loves the smell of roses ..

I want to love like God loves His people ..

I want to be the real me ..

I wish I could say no

I wish I could deny anything I did not like

I want to be considered valuable

I want to have wings to fly

I want me to be a strong girl

I wish I remembered

of all that,

The most I want is ..

I want to grow up


for you hey someone noticed me :)

last week there was the person who told me:
"jess, I noticed lately blogs you describe a lot of sadness"

then I just read some of the last post. and recognizes's reply was true the last few post seem very mellow. was really such a hard life. like living in an empty room alone and hungry. like begging love and compassion.

apologize profusely for it all. I promise from now on will not damage the enjoyment of this blog again.

I just felt why every time I felt a little relief, and happiness, everything changed immediately apparent. as if I were really living in a fairy tale, where everything can change so quickly. quickly turned her palms.

I still remember when I finally decided to move to other hearts, learn to forget the past, learn to develop into a good jessica, I once again inserted into the trap of love that was so scary. as if I was tied up and could not escape. I was trapped in the lie itself. lies in which I said "I do not love him anymore" but the truth is "I can not forget"

someone was very angry with me yesterday. and I just
crying on the phone listening to all the flood of anger. I was stupid, like have no pride anymore still expect people who are always making fun of me. and more stupid when I first love behalf to defend the man.

I had never heard shouting about it ..

word for word as if piercing my bones ..

so painful ..

I know he's angry because he noticed me ..

rather, he pitied me ..

thank you so much for that. you just can not understand that you're dealing with a loser like me. loser of the happiness of others on behalf of misery for themselves. and unfortunately, that fool is me. ME.

but I've pondered it all. I'm not going to defend myself again. and I promise I will really try to get up. because I know great happiness is waiting for me if I want to reach. I was full of deceit going back into the old jessica.

jessica who smiled with sincerity ..
and not just because she wanted to show that strong:)

the adult jessica ..
and no longer a crybaby girl:)

jessica is studying to become wise ..
and no longer the girl who on behalf of happiness at the expense of herself.

and I promise, I will never ever again try to hurt myself any weighing this life.

I promise:)