before i have to move from Jakarta

everyone is looking for the best and try to be the best. but without love, all that was just sheer ambition.
* jee-jessh

31 January 2010

it feels HOPE :)

i'm tired !

that's why it's better smile than cry. cause i'm tired. tired of sadness. tired of rambling. tired of all!
but when i'm writing this one. i know and really really understand what these are. i feel some hopes. hope for grow, hope for happiness, hope for successful and hope for love.
again and again it's happened. what is it? LOST. yeaah LOST.

one by one, from time to time, God takes HIS children. us. but why does HE take my family too often? too fast? or maybe too many?!

i still can't realize what i heard this morning. my auntie has gone. i don't know where she is right now. but i hope, she is in heaven. far far away from here, but i believe she is fine there. i can imagine how she smiles, how she laughs, and how she gives her warm hug for me with pray :)

i couldn't stand when i see my mother's crying loudly. i hugged her. i hoped she would better than before. but i know she felt depressed. she lost her lovely sister. lovely lovely lovely i think.
when i remember last month we were together. we laughed. we smiled. we sang together. we had dinner time. and i still can't believe, when the doctor said she was okay even i know that were problems with her heart. and she ever got heart-attack. that was why my uncle picked her up to jakarta.

oh no! it was just last month and now, i hear she passed away? she left me? left us? left everybody which love her so much?
i miss you for sure sister agnes. my auntie was a nun and has already become a sister. she was abbes. and we all family are too much proud of her. she was kind and loveable. SO LOVEABLE!

she ever said to me;
GOD will give you hope if you are still hoping for HIM :)
and i give improvisation for that sentence and being my motto till this day;
GOD gives a hope for those who believe in HIM :)

thanks sister agnes, i will always remember that one. i love you. i mean i love you SO MUCH :)


29 January 2010

aku bersyukur :)


aku menyusuri lorong gelap berdinding batu. sendiri. tanpa ada seorang pun yang ikut menemaniku atau lebih tepatnya SUDI ikut menemaniku. aku hanya SENDIRI.

ditemani cahaya remang lampu lorong yang kian lama kian redup, semakin gelap, semakin membuatku susah untuk melihat. aku seperti buta. seperti kehilangan arah. aku TERSESAT.

aku takut. lalu aku berlari dan berlari dengan tenaga yang tersisa. aku menangis. aku TAKUT.

aku terjatuh. aku terluka. darah itu kian mengalir deras dari tubuhku. aku lemas. aku jatuh terduduk bersandar pada dinding batu. ternyata batu itu tajam dan menghantam kepalaku. lagi-lagi aku TERLUKA.

tubuhku lemas. aku butuh pertolongan. kakiku terasa kaku, lidahku terasa kelu. sekuat tenaga aku mencoba merangkak seperti bayi. gelapnya lorong itu membuat aku tidak bisa melihat, ada sebongkah kaca menusuk lututku. aku merintih. tapi tak seorang pun datang menolong.

aku paksakan untuk melangkahkan kaki menuju ujung lorong. dari jauh telah aku lihat cahaya itu. semburan cahaya harapan. aku ingin bertemu orang lain, harapku.

aku SAMPAI. aku berhasil berada di ujung lorong itu. banyak orang lalu lalang di depanku. aku berteriak minta tolong. tapi mereka seakan tuli. tidak peduli.

aku seperti kasat mata. ketika seorang kaya berjalan di depanku, ia membuang kulit pisang tepat di kepalaku dan meludahiku. aku MARAH. namun hanya terdiam.

aku mulai menangis. aku terisak. semakin lama semakin deras air mata itu. sesak rasanya. aku SAKIT HATI. kemana mereka, orang-orang yang menyayangiku?

sesaat aku melihat wajah itu. aku sangat mengenalnya. DIA. itu DIA!

aku berteriak memanggil namanya. sekuat tenaga sampai urat leherku seakan telah putus. sampai tidak ada lagi tenaga untuk berteriak. DIA melihatku, menghampiriku, memandangku dengan cara yang tak biasa, MELUDAHIKU, dan pergi MENINGGALKANKU.

siapa aku? hanya sampah kah?!

masih jelas teringat sesaat sebelum aku terjebak di dalam lorong gelap. betapa BAHAGIA nya hidupku. SEMPURNA dengan semua yang aku miliki. aku BAHAGIA.

ketika aku berikan senyum kepada semua orang. ketika tangis itu hanya aku yang tau. tak pernah aku biarkan seorang pun melihatku keram tubuh. hanya SENYUM yang aku bagikan.

tapi apa yang aku dapatkan hanyalah terlempar ke dalam lorong gelap. aku terjebak. lebih tepat, aku DIJEBAK!

aku selalu berkata YA walau hatiku terus berbisik TIDAK. seolah semua kulakukan atas nama kebaikkan, padahal aku lumpuh karenanya. aku cacat. aku RAPUH.

aku SADAR aku harus bangkit berdiri. meninggalkan segala kebodohanku. aku ingin berdiri, tapi aku lupa bagaimana caranya. aku sudah sangat TERLUKA. rasanya SAKIT. meski lebih sakit ketika aku melihat air mata orang lain terjatuh.

tawa yang kudengar membuatku BANGKIT. meski aku tau tawa itu mengejekku. mengolokku. tapi tidak apa-apa. aku BAIK-BAIK saja, bahkan senang melihat mereka BAHAGIA.
senyum culas tak ku pedulikan, aku tetap tersenyum. meski rasanya aku tak mampu lagi melukis senyum itu. tapi toh tetap aku lakukan.

aku sangat ingin MARAH. tapi aku tidak bisa. dan mungkin tidak akan pernah bisa. aku terlalu LEMAH untuk itu.

ketika ku lihat sebagian orang mempedulikan aku. mereka mau membantu menopang aku. hanya satu yang ada dipikiranku. aku BERDOA. berdoa untuk mereka yang hatinya bagaikan kapas.

kulihat wajah mereka penuh kekhawatiran yang tulus. mereka mau bersusah payah membuatku berdiri, meski mereka tau aku masih sangat sulit untuk berdiri. semuanya membutuhkan PROSES yang panjang.

aku tersenyum. sakit. tapi aku tahan. aku tidak bisa mengeluh di depan mereka. aku tidak ingin melihat jerit kekhawatiran itu terdengar. karena aku baik-baik saja.

mereka tidak pergi meninggalkan aku tapi malah singgah menemaniku. mereka membersihkanku. menganggapku istimewa. meski mereka tau, aku telah diludahi karena semua kebodohanku. mereka menasehatiku. meski kesal, mereka tidak meninggalkan aku.

dan kini, aku telah duduk di atas kursi empuk yang mereka sediakan. bersama teh hangat sebagai suguhan. aku merasakan kehangatan. aku pernah merasakan ini. aku menyebutnya KASIH SAYANG.

aku memandang setiap mereka. setiap lekuk wajah dan ekspresi mereka. aku menemukan sesuatu. KETULUSAN.

lalu aku menengadah. aku tau nun jauh di sana, pemilikku sedang melihatku meski aku tak melihatnya. aku berbisik dalam hati. "Tuhan, terima kasih. aku BERSYUKUR"


-jee-


*thank you for being my strength even i am still useless like a trash :)


26 January 2010

di kelas komputer dan sebel :(

ngepost ini di lab komputer lagi pelajaran pertama dan gue sebel banget sama smua orang.
gue yang jelas" duduk di pojokkan lab gede ini merana ga kedapetan sedikitpun hawa AC, bikin gue mual (lagi) dan bener-bener ga dapet oksigen. cuma takut kalo gue pingsan aja sih :(
betenya lagi pas ngeluh ehh si robert malah blg klo badan gue bermasalah mulu. GEDEK!
ga ngerti banget sih gue beneran tottaly KEPANASAN! :((
tapi ya gini nih, konyol kan. pengen marah tapi ga bisa keluar marahnya. pengen ngoceh juga ga bisa. ngendep aja deh di hati. huh!
ditanya 'are you okay?' cuma bisa bilang IYA IYA dan IYA + senyum, padahal mah bosen yah ngomong IYA, pengennya teriak NGGAAAAKKK! argh!
bodoh! stupid! culun! bener kata si ko", gue itu culun stengah matii! hate it! hate my self! hiks :'(
and hate so much too when i remember last night, oh no i mean every night since saturday night i've had new BAD HABBIT yaitu JACKPOT + mimisan :(
what'd happened with my body sihh?!
and when i see HIM. yang skarang duduknya ga jauh juga dari gue. bikin kesel. tapi ga bisa juga nunjukkin kalo kesel, daritadi diajak ketawa'' malah lebih heboh ketawanyaa. aduh gue ini berkepribadian macam apa sih?
ahhh i don;t care! hate this day TOO much! :(((

21 January 2010

get well very soon my jose :)



i spent this day with my friends. love you love you all for sure :)
thanks for making my day full of happiness :D
nggak tega banget pas ngeliat tris memohon-mohon sama si mommy biar gue boleh pergii. bikin dia mengeluarkan senyum pepsodent terbaiknya dan nyengir lebar di depan mommy. tapi si mommy stayed still ga ngasih :(
yeaa finally gue harus came back to old jessica and went out my bad habbit yaitu *NGAMBEK*. hahaha :DD
finally, pergi deh kita rame-rame. seruu.
nonton film yang beda, gue-ria-sha-tris nonton sherlock holmes dan kubu heboh nya tania-meisan-mega-ratna-tetes nonton SPY.hihi :))

after watched that awsome film, we ate NASI PLENET resto yang namanya dirubah jadi NASI PLENET uenak tenan :))
asikk. gossiped time of course :D
foto-foto juga tapi fotonya di ria. belom bisa di upload deh :(
teruss, pas lagi seru-serunya, dapet chat ym dari ce" ngajak makan di hongkong dimsum. asikasikk.

=(
akhirnya nyampe rumah langsung minta ijin mom and dad mau pergi lagi ke hongkong dan BOLEH. yuhuu!:))
tapiiiii. jem 6-an ce" tpon bilang ga jadi soalnya jose sakiit. hikss :(
kasiann. gue kepikiran banget sama sii lucu :'(
akhirnya gue cuma bisa nyoret'' kertas ga karuan tuhh. jelek sih, tapi doanya tulus kok.
waaa..

GET WELL VERY SOON YAH JOSE, iloveyouuu :)

19 January 2010

doing tryOUCH! :(

stressful!
now i'm on doing my tryOUCH! for the first time in my life, i feel so stupid for being sains class's student :((

nightmare started from monday, when i had to finish my mathematic and indonesian language. for ind language, i didn't care because believe or not when i did it i got asleep on my table :p
but when i saw my math, oh no, i couldn't do anything. from 40 questions, i was sure for 5 numbers only =S

and this morning i did my chemistry and english lessos. not too bad cause i was calm when i answered all the questions there. i think it would be better than math *hopefully* :))

and yeaaaa i'm still blogging though tomorrow will be physics and biology. i'm lazy to study. when i was studying, i felt i was studying for nothing, cause my teacher told me and friends that he will proud of us if only we can get 40. what? so the target is just 40? yea you can guess what kinda questions will be.
:(

hopeless and do my best. that's all.

now i'm thinking about all statements which were told by pak julius as religion's teacher. "it's better if you are being loved than you are too much loving.."
and when he said "all you need in your relationship is a word called TRUST,if you do not trust in your love, better to leave all away" :((

hurt to hear that. but he was right. i was being loved by so many people around, and i have to love them all too. but i know i'm wrong cause i'm too much concentrate and having obsessions to get my love back. even useless i know. and everyone was right, i have to move on and see my future there. i can get my best one someday.. :)


for another information, my bbm is off for a while till i finish my test :D

*dear YOU, i miss you already. HAHAHAHAHA :DD

18 January 2010

lovely means us :)

Whoaa. give me times to share so many things around me. Many conditions even it's sadness or happiness or sometimes dissapointed too much,shy,cry,and ☺. all in one! What is it? My life! :)
I was so dissapointed when robert told kahar about my food's menu, sorry I mean my freak food's menu :(
But actually I was so proud and happy. Thank you robert, thank you for that care thing :)
I was so sad when my friends didn't allowed me to eat with chili even just for little bit :(
And once again actually I was happy. They were care about me :)
So much thank you for that one ;)
I was happy when I was at school in saturday morning, studied physics, then ran away with robert and lost my ind lesson, then continued with math :p
Was so happy to when I spent my times with paskibra's members, had some practising time, yeaa even my stomach felt so bad bad bad! :(
and happy when I saw my seniors there, they were funny and friendly ;)

Continued through the next day after,
I studied in my mom's room, wanted a hug because I felt so cold that time :S
I did my math's stuffs until around 6pm and felt so boring then I went to the church with jenny and had some dinner with her too :)
Then when I felt so so so boring, kk n ce" came to my house and had some chitchats together.
We laughed, smiled, gossiped time with my mom *about me,of course :(*
Then my secrets were opened by my mom. Whoaa. I shied so much mom :((
And when they requested me to play classic's piano, I played full fur elis for them, after that they wanted me to sing, then I sang harmony's song for them [I sang it real for you :)].
Happy happy. I was loving that day so much :)
And the last but not least,ko" woke me up this morning to study my math again.
Thank you so much ko :)

*yeaa, even I couldn't do that test, at least I tried and studied to get my best.
:p

14 January 2010

Chrisye - Untukku <3

Chrisye Untukku


download mp3 indonesia



Kemana langkahku pergi

Slalu ada bayangmu
Ku yakin makna nurani
Kau takkan pernah terganti

Saat lautan kau sebrangi
Janganlah ragu bersauh
Ku percaya hati kecilku
Kau takkan berpaling

Reff:
Walau keujung dunia, pasti akan kunanti
Meski ke tujuh samudra, pasti ku kan menunggu
Karena ku yakin, Kau hanya untukku

Pandanglah bintang berpijar
Kau tak pernah tersembunyi
Dimana engkau berada
Disana cintaku

Walau ke ujung dunia
Pasti akan kunanti
Meski ketujuh samudra
Pasti ku kan menunggu

Karena ku yakin, Kau hanya untukku



i'm totally not sure with you..
cause i know, your love is not mine but hers..
it's okay, i'll just smile to see your happiness then..
:)

what i feel and what you feel

suddenly i feel mellow again and again. in fact, i had very good rehearsal with my beloved teammate FAVOURIXE DANCERS the mentors this morning. after that i was laughing when i was called by somebody. hihi :D
don't know why. he has disturbed my mind. he has always come and gone as he wants. never think that i am here, waiting for him, waiting for some ways i hope i could have.
i feel useless. all things useless. 3 years waiting, just shitty things i've ever done. now, i get to bite my fingers. *confused*

never know what he feels. never know what he wants. he told me to make thousand stars for him. and now, i'm doing the process to make em. actually i knew what he wanted from those stars. he wanted her. he wanted to make a wish. and that wish is just to be with her again. yeah, forever, there will no place to remember his first love anymore, there is no me or maybe i'm not his first love for sure..

but, i'm learning one thing. love is made by my own self. and will be stopped by me too. so, if i stop my feeling, i'm sure i can leave all memories things inside.
sorry, i just don't wanna do that. i want to love him. no matter how long.






13 January 2010

i'm back

finally, after long days left from this blogger site, now i'm back :)

adams told me last night, 'i miss your sotry, miss jessica..' :D
and now i'm back to share all my stories here again, dude :))

January, 9th 2010

i went to the church and sang so many songs there.i felt like "hoaaa, finally i met my GOD again that day.." yea i didn't know why, but i felt like i was far far away from HIM. too far i thought. so when i went back to HIS house, then i felt so calm and warm :)


January, 10th 2010

felt so-so this day. felt too bad. just imagine how tired i was with long long day at school and guess what lessons i had that day: MATH, PHYSICS, and CHEMISTRY in one day. what a perfect schedule! my head was so full to accept all materials there. too much lazy to wake :(


January, 11th 2010

nothing special this day. mm, especially for my own menu. special menu. *nasii blenyek*
huuh. please, i couldn't live like that. illness and what kinda food were they? hate it too much. but i was happy, i drank 2 bottles of chocolate's milk at midnite :p


January, 12 th 2010

tomorrow, can't wait for tomorrow. i felt so mellow in the night. i opened my own diary about me and a, and i got surprises there. when i read i ever wrote "I am still no boring to get our love back". nice. i forgot when did i wrote that one? ahahaha. i'm still loving. i'm a stupid lover ever :S


January, 13th 2010

"today is my moment. and now i sing story, i laugh, and i cry, and i sing.."
i helped shasha to make so many stars for hengky, her boyfriend. and i was not too creative to make em, so yeaaaa the results were so-so :)
a said to me, he wanted me to make thousand stars for him.. and i thought i'll try to make em for him <3

07 January 2010

oh God, it's hell !

I feel like useless thing when I've just gotten rest all the times since yesterday evening.
It was gotta started when I was just arrived at home from school about 4pm.
I was hungry so much and I had my lunch for 2 plates of rice with chicken,fish,and beans.
After that I went inside my room and I didn't know what happened after.
I lost my mind and fell down :(
When I woke up, I felt my headache liked hit by so many tools, and my stomache felt so sick.
Really really sick and I didn't know what to do.
I didn't have any energy to do something. Hopeless and prayed.
I post this with my cellphone because I'm boring so much and have nothing to do.
I still don't have energy to walk or do something more than just sleep.
But from this illness I get something:
*i am not alone*
Even my love doesn't care about me, and my ex brother doesn't want to know about me, I'm still not alone.
Thanks God for giving me them who care a lot of me.
I felt better when cc yani prayed for me this afternoon, and I prayed too with her.
And I have my lovely seniors, people that I can share everything to them.
Thanks thanks big thank for that :)

Get well soon, Jessica :)
(Maybe better if I give my own spirit for my bodyhealthy. Lol)

03 January 2010

he called me .

he called me and we had a discussion.

**

you,, don't always think that you are hurt so much..

because,

you never realize that i am hurt by you TOO much..

who i am?

stupidity looser is my name..

02 January 2010

2010 is a best time to slim :DD


i'm sure i can do it
healthy diet and sit up every morning!
SEMANGAT x)

read this, EJL !

if you wanna know all of these, i will explain them to you. so you can understand how hurt he has, and how lucky you are.

[him is a.h]

for the first time i met him, he was my best friend ever. he was himself. never tried to be somebody else. that was why i was interested. for one year, i just still liked him as friend, as my best. for sure, i didn't know why but he was too different with others. maybe that was why i loved him too.
finally he did that lovely thing to me. he wanted me. he said he loved me. we're together for one year and 3 days as you've already known,right?
and on that long relationship, he never got mad with me. never! because of what? because he loved me SO much, i mean TOO much, i thought it wasn't called SO but TOO. he never hurt me. but what i did? i wanted to see, could he got mad to me if i played with other boy? then you've known the answer too. he left me. alone. he hurt by me. how stupid i was.

for sure..
after that thing past, i was still loving him. i tried to get him again, but what i got; i got all bad words. he was TOO dissapointed to me. but he still said he loved me. on that time, you wanted him, right? you waited for his love. but he became such a playboy. i told him, i wouldn't try to get him back to me again but PLEASE stopped being a playboy. he did it. then he tried to love you. he tried and tried and FINALLY, he was totally loving you. and who i am for him? past thing! he didn't care for me, even for a little thing in me. on that time, i was a playgirl, cause i was on sadness. i didn't know what i supposed to be. i walked alone. and nobody care.

while i was still just loving..
suddenly on one night, he called me.he cried. i missed his voice a lot. but i didn't wanna hear that cried voice. he told me everything he got. you left him. as a trash. without any worthed reasons i thought. i didn't know what i must to do. i just told him to calm down. and breathed.
he said he loved you so much. he wanted you. ain't no other girls. when i heard that, i hurt by those sentences. hurt me much! i was still loving him but all he wanna did was you.

i walked alone again..
until we went to the second grade. i was still loving. still hoped. still thought that someday i'll have a chance to get my happiness again with him. but it was still a dream. i was a big dreamer. even when i was in hospital and did the operation, he never sent me a message or gave some attentions. no way. there's not. it was hurt (again)!
from that on, i stopped anything. no hoped, no cried, no more tears for him. i dreamed (again) for my own happiness.

when i got that hope..
one year left, we were on third grade. i was shocked. i was in the same class with him. i put my own principle "HE IS JUST FRIEND!". yeaa! but that was just sentence and my heart said different. i was still loving. and i was shocked (again), he wanted to make a good relation as a FRIEND with me. i felt like when first time we met. just friend. but i liked it. when my hope began so big, i heard you wanted him (again). i felt hopeless. i became a stupid looser. for what? for your happiness. i gave you MY HAPPINESS, yo! then you was in loved with him. how lucky you are..

why did i want you to be one of crew in vianney cup? because i wanted to see his smile everyday. i knew, his smile meant you. YOU. no others. i smiled and laughed with you both, but you never knew what my heart was, cried and hurt TOO much. even when i've already had boyfriend. i was still loving him for sure..

when i had my seventeen bday, he gave me no sentence. just saw me, and smiled at me. i told you that time. remember?
and it hurt me (again). but you saw what i did, right? i was still smiling for everyone even my heart shouted and cried.

and once again i heard, you left him alone. with (those) reasons.. yours is different with mine. i left my ex because he was too perfect but he's known that at first time i accepted him, i've just tried and i failed. because i was still couldn't forget him. but YOU, you wanted him at first, and then you said you felt ilfeel? sorry, i was angry too when i heard that one.

and plus one thing, how can you move on your heart too fast to your another ex? you know what, you hurt him TOO much. all he wanna did was you, all he wanna do is you, all he will wanna get is you, your love. you are his everything.

so, get it..

just thinking girl, HOW LUCKY YOU ARE when YOU GOT HIM !

(maybe you never know it or you never wanna know it)

i <3 it !








whoaaa! guess what it's 2010 ! it's time to wake up and start all things from the beginning. forget and study for all past things then make it better now ! :)

i love this year, i mean my new year's eve till new year's day. why why? because i spent it with my closest friends. i love them all much x)


31st dec 2009;


i went to the church at 7pm with vito. 8pm, kak irvan and cici vilca picked me up to pippy waldy's home. when we arrived there, there're already pippy waldy (of course), mimmy fiona, cynthia, vani and kak vina. they've been waited for us since 5pm. hehe :D [so sorry about it!]

then we sat down together made a circle row (wanna be) in pippy's living room with his dining (cirlce) table. we started our BBQ things ! x)

it was so nice when we had a chit-chat about all things, and made it SERUU! hahaha :DD

i was being a nice consumer and they were chefs. ehehehhe :))


after ate, we played seven clover games with double card. nice things too. and we waited together for new year. few minutes more and NEW YEAR ! :)

we went outside and saw pippy's neighbour played fireworks. nice fireworks! we were too happy. we loved that gathering so much. :D

then we went inside again and continued our seven clover. but, a player which got loose on that game must drank one loki of sari temulawak. hihi. we have one guest : kak vina.. but she was too clever and never got loose :(


next game was UNO STACKO. aahhhaha. we were crazy with this kinda game. super game. make us dagdigdug serrrr ! :D

we stopped our activities at 5.30 am. it was time to sleep. haha. then we slept together in pippy's room. we woke up at 11.30am. 6 hours for slept. nice!


it was so cool. i <3>

ohiya!


i got a new year's gift from pippy-mimmy.. thanks a lot pippy-mimmy,, i love you both-a lot :)